Why Can't We See Our Own Strengths?

Ask someone to list their flaws and they'll rattle off ten things in seconds. But ask them about their strengths? Blank stare. Awkward silence. 'Um, I don't know, I'm okay at some things I guess?'

Why is it so hard to see what we're actually good at? I've been thinking about this a lot, and honestly, I think it's a combination of everything. Let me break it down.

If It's Effortless, It Must Not Be Valuable

This is the big one for me. We've been taught that hard work pays off the sweetest. That struggle equals value. That if something comes easily to you, it doesn't really count.

So when we're naturally good at something, when it feels effortless, we dismiss it. We think, 'Well, if it's easy for me, it must be easy for everyone.' Spoiler alert: it's not. But because we don't have to try hard, we don't see it as a strength. We see it as just... normal.

And this is where we get it twisted. We end up valuing the things we're terrible at, the things that require massive effort, even if it means going against our natural function. We think that's where the value is. But what if the things that come naturally to us are actually our biggest assets? What if ease doesn't equal worthless?

Social Media Made Comparison Too Easy

Then there's the comparison trap, and social media has made it so much worse. We don't even have to leave the house or meet people to find out what everyone else is doing better than us. We literally just open our phones and boom, 1000 things that are not right with us because someone else did it better, got more likes, has more followers, looks happier, seems more put together.

And when you're constantly comparing yourself to everyone else's highlight reel, your own strengths start to look pretty ordinary. You start thinking, 'Well, she's better at that than me, so I guess I'm not actually good at it.' Never mind that you're comparing your behind-the-scenes to someone else's polished final product.

We Were Raised to Fix What's Broken

I've talked about this before, but it's worth repeating. Most of us were raised with a 'fix your flaws' mentality. The focus was always on what we needed to improve, what we were falling behind in, what was wrong with us. Nobody was sitting us down and saying, 'Hey, you're really good at this, let's nurture that.'

So we grew up hyper-aware of our weaknesses and completely blind to our strengths. We learnt to scan for what's wrong, not what's right. And that becomes such an ingrained habit that even as adults, we can't see our own capabilities.

Cultural Modesty (Or, The Asian Humble Brag)

And if you grew up in an Asian household like I did, there's a whole other layer to this. Culturally, we're taught not to brag. Modesty is everything. Your parents praise other people's kids and deny their own. It's like this weird humble brag culture where everyone's trying to one-down each other.

'Oh, your son got top marks? My daughter barely passed.' Meanwhile, your daughter got straight As but your mum will never admit it in public. And you're constantly compared to your cousins, neighbours, friends. Always reminded of what you lack, never what you have.

So you grow up thinking that acknowledging your strengths is arrogant. That it's better to downplay what you're good at. And eventually, you start believing your own denials. You genuinely can't see your strengths anymore because you've spent your whole life pretending they don't exist.

We're Too Close to See It

And then there's the simple fact that we're just too close to ourselves. Our strengths feel so normal to us that we can't recognise them as strengths. It's like asking a fish to describe water. It's just... there. It's baseline. It's not special.

But here's the thing: what feels effortless and ordinary to you might be incredibly valuable to someone else. What you think is 'just common sense' might be a skill that other people struggle with. You can't see it because you've never NOT had it.

So How Do We Start Seeing Our Strengths?

Honestly? It's hard. It takes intentional work to retrain your brain to notice what you're good at instead of just what you're bad at. But here are some things that have helped me:

Ask other people. Seriously. Ask someone you trust, 'What do you think I'm naturally good at?' Their answers will surprise you because they can see things you can't.

Notice what feels easy. Instead of dismissing things that come naturally to you, start paying attention to them. What do people ask you for help with? What do you do without thinking?

That's a clue.

Stop comparing your insides to other people's outsides. You're never going to see your strengths clearly if you're constantly measuring yourself against someone else's curated life.

Challenge the belief that struggle equals value. What if the things that come easily to you are actually your most valuable assets? What if ease is a sign you're operating in your strengths, not a sign it doesn't matter?

Learning to see your own strengths is a process. It's not going to happen overnight, especially if you've spent your whole life trained not to see them. But it's worth it. Because when you finally start recognising what you're actually good at? That's when things start to shift. That's when you stop trying to be someone you're not and start becoming more of who you already are.

And that's the whole point, isn't it?