Why I'm Done with "Fix Your Weaknesses" Parenting

In Part 1, I talked about how our parents' generation wasn't actually 'tougher' than us, they were just surviving. And now we're trying to do things differently. But here's the thing: knowing we want to parent differently and actually knowing HOW to do it are two very different things.

So let's talk about what didn't work, and what I'm trying to do instead.

The Way We Were Raised

When we were growing up, the focus was always on weaknesses. Where are you falling behind? What do you need to improve? What's wrong with you that needs fixing? I can vouch for this, especially coming from an Asian upbringing where I was sent to different tuition centres, remedial classes, and extra lessons, all so I wouldn't fail and wouldn't lag behind.

And you know what? I was miserable. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. Day in and day out, it was just constant reminders of where I wasn't good enough. After a while, you start to wonder what's even the point of striving for excellence when it feels like you'll never be good enough compared to others anyway.

What Happens When You Grow Up Like This

When you grow up constantly being told to fix what's wrong with you, there are usually two paths you end up taking. The first one is that you give up. You internalise that you're not good enough, so why bother trying? Trying just means more failure, more disappointment, more proof that you don't measure up.

The second path is the opposite. You push yourself relentlessly to prove a point. You work yourself to the bone trying to get validated by others because you need people to be proud of you. You need to show everyone you're NOT a failure. But here's the problem with this path: if it's not intrinsically driven, if you're doing it for approval and not because it actually matters to you, you'll eventually hit a wall.

You'll reach a point where you realise you've been striving for something that was never yours to begin with, and that leads to either identity crisis, burnout, or both. And that's what we've been seeing a lot nowadays, people hitting their 30s and 40s suddenly asking, 'Who am I? What do I actually want?'

Why Strengths-Based Parenting Spoke to Me

This is why strengths-based parenting resonated with me so deeply. For once, it felt nice to be seen through the lens of capability instead of deficiency. Instead of constantly asking 'What's wrong with you?', we start asking 'What are you naturally good at?' Instead of spending all our energy trying to turn weaknesses into strengths, we amplify what's already there.

When kids grow up knowing their strengths, they build confidence and develop a sense of identity. They know who they are, and that foundation makes them more resilient when life gets hard, which it inevitably will.

The Balance We Need

Now, I want to be really clear about something. I'm not saying we should only focus on the good because that would create a whole other set of problems. We still have to ensure our children can meet the bare minimum to be accepted in society, both academically and socially. Reality doesn't work in extremes.

We can't just focus on strengths and completely ignore weaknesses, the same way we shouldn't just focus on weaknesses and ignore strengths. Balance matters. Yes, we lead with strengths and build their confidence by showing them what they're naturally capable of. We help them understand their unique abilities. But we also support them in areas where they struggle, not by making them feel inadequate, but by giving them tools to manage those weaker areas.

It's not about pretending weaknesses don't exist. It's about not letting those weaknesses define who they are or determine their worth.

What This Looks Like in Practice

So how do we actually do this? We start by noticing what our kids are naturally drawn to, what lights them up, what they do without being asked. We affirm those things and give them opportunities to use and develop those strengths. And when they struggle in other areas? We don't shame them or compare them to their peers. We don't send them to endless tuition just to make them 'normal.'

Instead, we help them find strategies that work for them. We show them that struggling in one area doesn't mean they're broken or less than. The aim isn't to achieve perfection. It's about helping them understand who they truly are and recognise both their strengths and weaknesses.

And when they know who they are? They're not easily swayed by comparison. They're not constantly looking for external validation. They're grounded, resilient, and capable of navigating a world that's constantly changing. That's what I want for my kids, and that's what I hope we can build together.